


Minsc's New Witch  or Scenes From The Umar Hills

by LD_Little_Dragon



Category: Baldur's Gate
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-27
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-15 00:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2209131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LD_Little_Dragon/pseuds/LD_Little_Dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>inspired by Minsc's in-game banters with female Edwin - blame bioware.</p>
<p>Features the nether-scroll gender altered Edwin and won't make much sense if you're not familiar with the Umar Hills (Shade Lord) quest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Minsc's New Witch  or Scenes From The Umar Hills

**Meeting the Mayor**

Minister Lloyd: -shrieks- Oh my word, the Drow are attacking! I feel faint. Er ... take my wife and money, but spare me.

Korgan: Arr, quit yer whinin' ye limp-wristed longleg. Do I look like a pansy elf to you?

Minister Lloyd: You're not here to kill me?

Korgan: Wasn't, but I'm thinkin' about it now.

Viconia: No, foolish male. My companions and I are simple adventurers.

Edwin: Speak for yourself, lackwit. Edwin Odesseiron is no common man, er, woman.

Viconia: -kicks Edwin- As I was saying, we heard your village was in dire need of assistance.

Korgan: Aye, pay us an' we'll take care of your little problem.

Edwin: Gold in advance, monkey-leader.

Minister Lloyd: Ah, thank you, but I've already hired the famous knight Mazzy Fentan and her troupe. So we won't need your services. Terribly, terribly sorry.

Korgan: Drat ye, elf. We've come all this way for nothin'!

Edwin: Unless something happens to this Mazzy (an unfortunate meeting with a fireball, perhaps) and she fails in her task.

**The Umar Inn, at the table hidden in the shadows**

Korgan: Look at th' do-gooder in th' shiny armour. Thinks she's better than us, ye can tell. Probably just do th' job fer free too. Waste o' a good reward.

Viconia: Not a decent looking warrior in the party. Although that big one with the purple tattoo might be good for an hour or two of entertainment.

Edwin: What big one ... erg. (calm, calm, the witch is dead, and the ranger's a moron.)

Korgan: Friend o' yours she-wizard?

Viconia: Oh, now I recognize him. That's the slave of the Rashmani witch. -pokes Edwin in ribs- Didn't you say he chased you out of the Bhaalspawn's party after you insulted his dead witch?

Edwin: He most certainly did not! I refused to consort with the riff-raff that collected around that barbarian fool. It looks like Konk drank a potion of wisdom and finally got the wits to dump Minsc.

Korgan: So, how do you propose we kill them and get on wi' the gold-getting?

Viconia: We don't, you idiot man-thing. We will do nothing to interfere with Mazzy's group.

Korgan: Are ye goin' soft on me, dark one?

Viconia: See if you can follow this, axe-brain. We let them do the fighting ...

Edwin: And then we ambush them on the way back! Hah, bask in the glory that is Edwin Odesseiron. My plan is brilliant. They always are.

Viconia: growls Just go bug Minsc.

Edwin: What?

Viconia: Go plant your familiar on Minsc so we can track Mazzy's party.

Edwin: I will not! Poor little Biter will be poisoned by that big oaf's blood.

Viconia: Then put your flea on the hamster, Edwin.

**The Umar Inn, at the best table**

Mazzy: I don't like the looks of you, woman. You have the stench of evil about you.

Edwin: You're the one who smells like a dung ... er ... that is, I am so happy to meet such famous adventurers as yourselves. (Yes, yes, this horrible female affliction has it's advantages. The perfect disguise.)

Aerie: I..is this woman mad, or drunk?

Minsc: You bear handsome features, though they are familiar, too. Edwin's sister perhaps? Aye, Boo sees the resemblance. You are his superior in your manner though.

Edwin: Aaah! I do not know this Edwin you speak of, but he must be a handsome, charming fellow if he resembles me.

Minsc: He is an evil, evil Red Wizard who will be stomped well and truly by the boots of goodness if I see him.

Edwin: \---

Minsc: Do you like hamsters? Boo likes you.

Edwin: If you do not wish to be the proud owner of a very small rug you will ... coughs ... may I hold the cute little fellow?

Minsc: Certainly, pretty lady.

Edwin: -whispers- Yes, just burrow on there Biter. That's a good boy. Ouch! The nasty little, darling, rodent bit me.

Minsc: Boo is sorry, he just wanted to give you a little love bite. Minsc's witch is a healer she could make that better.

Aerie: Do I have to?

Edwin: Don't touch me! I will ... just be going now. -walks away- (I will kill ALL of them. Slowly. With ... with HOT ... pokey things and ... and coals and ... and prods. Yessssss, prods. Many, many prods.)

Minsc: I think she warms to our company, Boo. See how she looks longingly?

**Back at the unpopular table**

Korgan: I saw ye simperin' over there, mage. Ye almost looked like a real female.

Edwin: Naturally. My talents run to more than the mastery of the magical mysteries. I am a superb actor as well.

Korgan: Aye, and ye are a fine lookin' woman at th' moment! Ach, ye have no beard to speak of, but I be a man of the world, and able to look past such things. I've a mind to show ye my favourite weapon if'n ye're nice to me.

Edwin: Get your filthy paws off me you damn, dirty ape!

Korgan: Arrgh! Bloody spellcasters. Ye burnt me lovely beard you blasted imitation ... gurk.

Minsc: Are you bothering the pretty lady, little man?

Edwin: Put him down, you cretin! I can throttle the dwarf without any help from the likes of you. Mind your own concerns, you stone-headed oaf!

Minsc: Such a temperament! Fire in her belly and not afraid to spit in an eye! It reminds me of the fighting women of my homeland! Ah sweet lady, you bring me tears.

Edwin: Tears indeed! Stand away lest I bring you a fireball as well!

Viconia: A worthy effort, Edwin, but you let the male leave unharmed. Do not worry, in time we shall make a proper female of you.

**Outside the Temple Ruins, source of the Umar Hills troubles**

Korgan: I'm bored.

Viconia: Then by all means, go down into the ruined temple. I'm sure the shadows and skeletons will provide ample entertainment.

Korgan: I'm bored, not suicidal, elf.

Edwin: Shh, shh, be quiet or I'll lose my connection to Biter. All right, they're entering a vast cavern. What is that? Big, black, scaly, oooh, Mazzy's group have found a shade dragon. What a magnificent creature! No, no, don't stand there and get clobbered you oaf. Don't you dare get my familiar killed!

Viconia: Edwin? How's the fight going?

Edwin: The mini monkey wench has botched it. Half her party's down. Yes! Yes that insipid elf is dead. Oh wait, that's not good. Now Minsc is going berserk. Biter, jump off that suicidal hamster if he won't leave Minsc. What do you mean he's moving too fast? I order you to ... oh, never mind.

Edwin: It's alright now.

Viconia: They killed the dragon.

Edwin: No, that fool ranger blundered out of the cavern in his blind rage. All Mazzy's people seem to be dead, and Minsc is coming back this way. Biter's going to be fine.

Viconia: Why couldn't they have killed the dragon, and **then** died?

Korgan: Inconsiderate bunch.

Minsc: Minsc is a bad protector! Again his witch is dead and he is not!

Edwin: Hold still, a flame arrow should take care of that.

Viconia: Edwin!

Edwin: What?

Viconia: We could use Minsc to distract the dragon. He likes you, go comfort him.

Edwin: Er, there, there.

Minsc: -sniffles- Aerie!

Edwin: Follow us, Minsc. I promise we'll let you die first.

Minsc: Promise?

Edwin: If I have to kill you myself.

Korgan: You make me sick wi' all th' mush talk, wizard.

**After rescuing Mazzy, and slaying the Shadow Dragon**

Korgan: Sorriest excuse for a dragon horde I've ever seen. Less treasure than me mam could shake outta her clothes after a proper session wi' th' boys.

Mazzy: You lot stop poking over the treasure and get over here. The evil Shade Lord still lives. We must avenge the innocent and my brave companions.

Viconia: You surfacers are better off for having the weak destroyed by this Shade Lord.

Edwin: The reward that Minister Lloyd offered wasn't really all that much.

Minsc: But Minsc is still alive! You promised I could die avenging little Aerie!

Edwin: You were supposed to die fighting the dragon!

Mazzy: If there is any shred of decency in you, I beseech you to aid me in cleansing this temple of the evil that has defiled it.

Korgan: The Shade Lord's killed a lot o' people. Probably collected some decent swag as well.

Edwin: Or even better, some powerful magic scrolls.

Viconia: I think we could persuade the Minister to increase our reward, as well. Very well, we will see how powerful this Shade Lord is.

**After the Shade Lord's defeat**

Mazzy: Despite your ... dubious motives, you have served the cause of righteousness today, and I feel compelled to thank you.

Korgan: We'd rather you paid us, girl.

Viconia: I want no confusion. The treasures we've found, and the reward for saving Imnesvale is ours, and not to be claimed by you, halfling.

Mazzy: I am no common mercenary; I require no compensation for my just deeds. Come, Minsc, let us leave these ... people. May the gods see that they receive all that they deserve.

Minsc: Boo and Minsc cannot go with the little knight lady. We must stay with Minsc's new witch.

Edwin: Me? I'm no witch you demented creature. (Do I look like a witch? Do I? Oh ... yes ... I suppose I do.)

Mazzy: I will not allow this, Minsc. That, that female of questionable morals, will lead you to your death. Why she shoved you into the path of an attacking shade! And then she cast a fireball directly at you!

Edwin: Of course I did! That was the plan, wait for the shades to attack the bait, and then burn them all. (And if the bait had died, so much the better. All that mattered is that I survived.)

Minsc: See? Minsc's new witch is very smart. Boo says she is sure to live longer than Minsc.

Edwin: I look forwards to the day I bury you, cretin.

Minsc: Minsc is so happy!

Edwin: Put me down at once! Or I'll drop another fireball on your head!

Korgan: 'Tis enough to turn this dwarf's stomach.

Viconia: Aye, Edwin spent far too many years as a male. It made her soft.

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted at gamejag 2006


End file.
